WE ARE ALIVE – Hostage Story

You may have been growing concerned for our welfare due to the inactivity of this site and the social media accounts. The truth is we were held HOSTAGE.

We last posted on the 7th July and in the process of locking up the premises when we were all bundled into a small SUV by a naked gunman. He had a mask on so we couldn’t tell who he was, only that he had a massive penis and one testicle substantially larger than the other.

After two hours of driving (and a good game of eye spy) we arrived at a warehouse in an unknown location. Our hands has been bound together and were somewhat peckish. Two of us could have done with a pee which only added to the ordeal.

The naked masked driver ordered us by gunpoint into the warehouse where we remained until yesterday. We’d been living on a diet of rats, woodlice, bits of fluff and Dave’s sandal. For drink we simply made each other cry a lot and drank their tears. It was barbaric.

We were eventually saved by some random crazy cat lady who was searching for one of her lost pussies and had made her way into the warehouse.

The crazy cat lady. Weirdo.

She became distressed at the sight of us playing ‘What’s the time, Mr. Wolf?’ and decided to untie us. Our wrists were so sore we just couldn’t stand the agony.

Although she was our saviour we did question this lady’s sanity as she carried fourteen different coloured cats with her and was spouting out garbage about kitty litter and ring pieces. She also stank of cat’s piss.

Nonetheless we were grateful for our newfound freedom, and were even more surprised to find that our captor had been seized by police FIFTEEN days earlier but hadn’t bothered to search for us. Bastards.

As it transpires the naked masked man with the enormous penis and considerably different testicles was none other than US game show legend STEVE HARVEY. The papers reported that he had grown so engaged at the ridiculous answers families had given on Family Fortunes that he went on a psychopathic reign of terror.

Steve Harvey had gone nuts

We have no direct link to Mr. Harvey nor have we reported anything about him so we never did understand his hatred of us. It just goes to show that you can never trust a smiley host or anyone with a moustache. Just look at Hitler.

We are in the process of recovering from our ordeal, though the taste of Dave’s sandal is one that is proving to be difficult to remove. We all wake up in cold sweats after reoccurring nightmares but we’re told that things will get better as soon as dementia kicks in and we’ll forget all about it.

We would like to thank you for your worry and support during this difficult time. We would also like to thank our YouTube presenter Dick Spaniel for his complete lack of attempt to have us found. Thanks friend.

We advise you to stay tuned as we look to return to normal service as soon as possible.

Posted by Baxter Devonshire-Pepper

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