COVID-19 origins finally traced to gay British dog

Ever since the emergence of COVID-19 in the Wuhan area of China there has been much speculation as to the true origins of the virus. Initial reports from local media was that the starting point was the traditional wet markets where exotic animals are sold as food stuffs. The animal in question was the bat – a common ingredient in soups and powdered spices. This theory seemed to last the longest of all with animal rights activists urging world leaders to issue a complete ban on what they saw as the horrific trade of defenseless animals.

Fast forward to March of this year and the story changed to the virus being ‘accidentally leaked’ from a scientific lab in Wuhan dealing with contageous pathogens. This theory was understood to be spearheaded by US President Donald Trump who blamed China for it’s “careless mishandling of a dangerous substance” and suggested reparations be paid to all countries affected. Scientific analysis of the spread of the virus has shown some gravitas to this suggestion but not nearly enough to actually make a formal accusation that would stand up legally.

Since then a flurry of conspiracy theories have surfaced all of whom could be disproved immediately – ranging from alien interference and the beginning of the rapture. However whilst these wild yarns have been spun scientists have been frantically working in the background and believe they have finally come to a reputable conclusion as to the origins of the pandemic – a gay British dog called Albie.

The gay dog was snapped in a popular gay club in Wuhan around the time of the outbreak

Scientists have discovered that the molecular structure of the coronavirus shares a remarkable similarity to that of a canine. Professor Randall Gullet-Moore of the University of Hull noted the pattern and was quick to investigate.

“To see a similarity like this is never an act of coincidence. To see this commonality between the virus and the canine structure meant that we had a good starting point upon which to investigate further. We started to compare the DNA of various breeds of dog and the one that came closest was that of a cross breed between a Whippet and a Bedlington Terrier. This breeding between the two essentially created what we call the ‘perfect storm’ upon which a virus can be born. It only needed a catalyst for the pandemic to begin”

This catalyst was believed to be the unprotected sex and passing of bodily fluids between a gay homosapien and a gay Whippet/Bedlington Terrier cross. Since the discovery Professor Gullet-Moore came into contact with local authorities in Wuhan as well as border control to see if a dog fitting this particular breed had entered the area during this timeframe.

They came back with one suspect.

‘Albie’ is now #1 on Interpol’s ‘Most Wanted’ list

A black and white dog fitting the criteria travelled to China to go to Wuhan’s world renowned gay club Blue Lagoon. The club is a hot spot for homosexual tourists including celebrities; popular drag artist RuPaul was photographed there last year as well as Green Day frontman Billie Joe Armstrong.

The dog who has been identified as ‘Albie’ was seen on CCTV entering the club at 9.12pm local time where he was photographed by the club media team surrounded by scantily clad hunks. Further footage shows the dog leaving the club in the early hours, around 2.30am, accompanied by the same men.

It is believed that the group engaged in a gay romp in one of the area’s seedy motels and as such began the pandemix which has killed 375,593 people worldwide at time of writing.

Interpol has subsequently declared Albie as their number one most wanted with a substantial reward in place for anyone who can provide the whereabouts of the suspect.

Have you seen this dog? If so then please keep a distance as Professor Gullet-Moore believes that Albie could still hold the potential of being a carrier.

Posted by Cecilia Cribbin-Guff

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