Raheem Sterling could face prison sentence for fingering cat

Football fans from across the world are in shock today to learn that one of the most iconic black footballers of a generation, Raheem Sterling, could potentially be sentenced to prison due to performing a sexual act on a cat.

Wishing to remain anonymous, an eyewitness to the heinous act told Da Fake News their recollections of what they saw:

“I was looking out my window admiring the sunshine and blue skies when all of a sudden Raheem appears with something on the end of his hand. I got my phone out to take a photo of him when I noticed that as I zoomed on my smartphone I saw it was actually a cat and he’d got a good two fingers right up it’s arse!”

“I screamed to my wife ‘Julie! Julie! Get over here, Raheem is slipping one in a moggy!’ to which she ran in and said ‘I don’t believe it Jerry! For as long as I have been married into the Smith family I have never seen anything so evil in all my life!’ and she began to cry in front of me. So many tears.”

We asked the anonymous eyewitness if they’d ever seen him do something with animals before.

“Never. Even though we live directly next to him to the left hand side I’ve never guessed he would do such a horrible thing. I was just well and truly gobsmacked. I just hope he doesn’t find out that it was us that informed the RSPCA!”

One of the three photos Jerry Smith the anonymous witness captured. We have blurred part of it due to the graphic nature

The RSPCA were indeed called and subsequently liased with Cheshire Constabulary who arrested Mr. Sterling on Monday. If prosecuted he could be sent to prison for a maximum of ten years; effectively ending his footballing career and the £180,000 a week earnings he currently receives at Manchester City Football Club. The after effects this could have on the Premier League in general is unfathomable.

Raheem’s agent Aidy Ward gave a press release this morning regarding the matter due to the enormous media exposure generated:

“First of all I would like to speak on behalf of my client when I say that I feel this is nothing more than a media witch-hunt. My client has always been known for his love of animals, why it was only last week he gave me a rabbit’s foot for good luck! Obviously I cannot speak much about the incident at hand due to this potentially going to court, but I CAN say that Raheem has an affinity for cats. Often they will just jump up on him and accidentally impale themselves on his freakishly long fingers. This is no cause for concern nor do I feel my client deserves to be labelled as some kind of fingerer of animals.”

We will keep you informed of the latest regarding this incident and ensure that you receive the greatest coverage.

Posted by Harry Po-Singh

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