Boris gives COVID-19 powers to supermarket

The COVID-19 pandemic has reached a new twist in the tale of its grip on modern life with the announcement that all decisions and legislation regarding the virus are to be transferred to the country’s second largest supermarket – Sainsburys.

In what is to be a first in the history of the UK the Government will be bequeathing its control and responsibility of a national threat to a grocery retailer due to “them knowing better”.

An announcement was made by the Government that UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson would be addressing the nation on the latest course of action regarding the pandemic at 15.00 GMT. In front of reporters representing various publications (including Da Fake News) Mr. Johnson made it clear early on that he was effectively washing his hands of the subject.

“Ever since my beautiful partner Carrie gave birth to our son Wilfred I have been reflecting on the priorities in my life in the hope to give everything some perspective. I feel honoured to represent this great nation as Prime Minister and to be at the forefront battling this virus in what has been an unprecedented challenge to not only our National Health Service but on our society itself. I have spoken to those who have lost close loved ones, people who have lost their jobs due to being made redundant and those who struggle to make ends meet. I have worked tirelessly to ensure that our key workers have all the equipment they need in order to continue to serve their communities. I too contracted the virus and feared not only for my own life but for the life of my family.”

The Prime Minister paused for a moment to sup upon some fizzy orange and to wipe away a solitary tear.

“I have never encountered such courageous people as I did when I fell ill and needed the services of our NHS. The work that they do is beyond compare; dignified, caring, extraordinary. However it was at my darkest moments that I realised in order to continue leading this country through to the end of this horrific saga I needed to make some changes. Life continues, business continues, the world continues to turn and as such do do my duties. There are areas of politics and society that I feel I have been neglecting in my role as Prime Minister due to my unquestionable focus on tackling the virus. It is this understanding that means that as of today I will be withdrawing my party’s control and dealings with COVID-19 so that we can do as we have been elected – to serve our constituencies on all that needs attending to.”

“My party is in agreement that all powers will be transferred immediately to Sainsburys. We feel that this is the best course of action to help protect and care for you, the British public.”

A Sainsburys trolley boy – now responsible for managing Britain’s response to the pandemic

Mr. Johnson took a pause to allow questions from the Press. I asked the Prime Minister why he felt Sainsburys was the right choice to lead the fight against the virus.

“We have received many letters and emails from the public who have told us that Sainsburys do what they like and therefore must have a better understanding on the virus than we do. BBC viewers will be fully aware of the daily Coronavirus reports that we give in order to detail the days happenings and subsequent plans. From those appearances we have learnt that the public so not trust our medical advisor Chris Whitty as they say he looks like his eyes are upside down. Therefore that means that our natural choice was no longer valid and it seemed only natural that Sainsburys was the next best option.”

Chief Medical Officer to England Chris Whitty was turned down due to having “upside down eyes”

It seems unreal that a supermarket known for selling biscuits, suppositories, pickled onions and condoms should now determine how a nation deals with a crisis that has already taken the lives of thousands of lives in just a few months.

Once the questions from the Press were over Boris made his excuses and scurried back into a small hole at the bottom of the skirting board leaving a quiet and dismayed room of journalists looking at each other nervously.

Some are questioning where this stops – what about whether the country goes to war? Does this go to ASDA? How about the nuclear weapon program, is this to go to Tesco? One thing is for sure we simply hope Aldi get told to go do one.

Posted by Drew Pilchard-Green

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