Big Ben vandalised by Banksy

Londoners woke up this morning to what should have been an ordinary May 1st. However it soon became apparent that all was not well in the capital.

Legendary street artist/vandal/political commentator Banksy had taken to legendary landmark Big Ben overnight to spray his latest creation onto such a historic building. The latest design features a penis and testicles in what can only be described as a jab at the heart of Westminster. Already surrounded by scaffolding, the Elizabeth Tower (as it is officially known) is currently undergoing much needed renovation and this is only sure to delay the efforts by some considerable time.

Priti Jamaal-Smith was one of the first to witness this phallic creation in all its glory. She was horrified at what she saw on her way to her key worker job as a taxidermist.

“I was walking along Westminster and glanced up as I always do at Big Ben, something that reminds me that I’m in the greatest nation in the world. Instead of the majestic clock face beaming back at me I was confronted with two balls, a rather large shaft and a staggeringly bulbous bellend! This is not what I expect to see when I’m admiring the views of this fine city.”

Further onlookers had mixed reactions to the ‘art piece’, one woman got so sexually aroused she had to be escorted away by Metropolitan Police due to indecent acts in public and nudity. Westminster was already flooded with officers from the police force due to this being initially believed to be a terrorist attack by ISIS.

Graffiti removal experts are currently working on the balls

Mayor of London Sadiq Khan has spoken publicly via twitter at his disgust of what he calls the “vandalism of one of the greatest historical landmarks in the world”. Questioned by Da Fake News as to whether he feels the culprit should face criminal charges he responded by saying that “he would do but police officers aren’t allowed within two metres of the vandal due to COVID-19 restrictions, making an arrest virtually impossible at this time”.

Graffiti removal experts are currently on the scene trying every trick in the book to remove the giant phallous. It is estimated to take around three weeks to completely remove the penis at a expense to the public tax payers of around £750,000. This is obviously sad news for those who are already struggling to make ends meet in what is a chronically difficult financial time for many families.

When asked about the task at hand, Graffiti Removal Expert Ruben Saville-Floyd said that “this is by far the worst penis I’ve ever encountered” and that this is going to test them to the full.

Mr. Saville-Floyd went on to say “We definitely know this is the work of Banksy as when we approached the balls he had written ‘Banksy woz ere’ right at the bit where the balls meet the main shaft bit. He must have climbed all the scaffolding to get up here. He would have been up here for ages because he’s gone the whole hog with this – he’s even gone on to do veins, hair on the bollocks, a japs eye, he’s even done spunk coming out the end of it. I could actually say that this is very impressive work, the detailing is spot on, like you’re actually standing next to a giant spunking cock!”

Banksy has still yet to be officially identified due to his artwork being done in the cover of darkness, but surely someone would have seen someone scaling Big Ben and then spending a considerable time spraying and colouring in a massive sex organ on the clock face? It seems that the social distancing measures have allowed this ‘artist’ the prime opportunity to pull off his most daring work yet.

Posted by Gideon Shankly-Norman

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