Capt. Tom Moore celebrates 100th birthday in tears after snub

On what is his remarkable 100th birthday, multi-million pound fundraiser Captain Tom Moore should be celebrating his extraordinary life and achievements with his family on what has been a fantastical rise to superstardom since the turn of the year.

Walking for the NHS, an endeavour of Capt. Moore to simply raise £1000 for the NHS, skyrocketed to an almost unfathomable £31million raised since its inception. To coincide with his centenary he vowed to walk 100 lengths of his back garden to honour those who dedicate their lives to help those in medical need despite the NHS receiving minimal funding. As the news broke of his mission the task got into the public eye and soon donations were coming in at a rate that was never dreamt of.

Soon Capt. Moore completed his task amidst journalists and current members of the regiment that he served all those years ago during active service in World War Two. This was followed by a number one song accompanied by music veteran Michael Ball. There were even those calling for the retiree to be knighted in honour of his fund raising.

However it has been discovered that the attention he was once receiving is starting to evaporate. Upon wishing Capt. Moore a happy birthday on what is considered a landmark age it has been highlighted that his recent achievement has been greatly overlooked.

Da Fake News has since learnt that Capt. Moore did not stop at 100 lengths of his garden and has indeed gone on to complete a total of 200, to which he has received no attention. Family members of the fund raising pensioner are livid that such an achievement has been ignored by the world’s media.

“I think it’s disgusting that no one cares what he’s done since those first 100 lengths” claims his granddaughter Virginia Logan-Dicks. “Everyone was quite happy to be all clappy and cheery when he’d done the 100, but then they all buggered off and left him despite the fact he wanted to do even more to help the NHS. It’s unacceptable and I’ll never use the NHS ever again, bunch of attention grabbing foreigners”.

Capt. Moore can be seen crying to himself surrounded by out of date balloons

Upon interviewing Capt. Moore, it was clear that his demeanour was that of a downbeaten man having to come to terms again with anonymity. A tear rolled down his face as he spoke in hushed but venomous tones.

“I’ve been up and down this pissing garden over 200 times now, in the burning sun and now the sodding rain. I haven’t changed my clothes once in that time, especially my pants. I can’t remember what a toilet looks like and I swear that I saw a vulture circle over my head the other day. I haven’t stopped walking since this all began and now all I hope for is a large puddle to form so I can walk into it and drown myself.”

The fund raiser himself had some harsh words for those he feels have ignored his further triumphs since completing the original goal:

“As far as I’m concerned you lot can all go do one. I fought in the war and for what? For all of you bastards to just turn the other cheek? I’d rather you took your money back and go buy tickets to Dignitas!”

A legend of his status should not have to deal with the laissez faire attitude of the populace, especially since all he has achieved. We were pleased to be able to slip a fiver into his suit jacket pocket before he shuffled away from us, mumbling under the sound of his sobs. May the public realise what they have done and feel ashamed at their actions.

Posted by Gideon Shankly-Norman

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