Oxfordshire village’s drastic COVID-19 safety measures

In Oxfordshire lies the sleepy village of Watchfield, situated eight miles from bustling Swindon. However this tranquil hideaway has steadily been gathering notoriety during the Coronavirus pandemic due to its surprisingly robust efforts to stop the spread of the virus.

Social distancing measures are being observed as per the nation, however residents have taken it one step further; banning all items beginning with the letter ‘C’.

Watchfield resident Harry Codgemore, 61, contracted the virus after returning from his ‘business trip’ to the Far East and began to follow the Government’s advice of self isolating for seven days. What started as a minor cough turned into a serious bout of fever, insomnia and migraines. It was soon after that Mr. Codgemore made a startling discovery.

“I felt like crap. I once coughed so hard I farted and followed through in the bed. I was so weak that it took me several hours to summon the strength to get up and change the sheets. Suddenly it dawned on me that both COVID-19 and Coronavirus begin with a ‘C’, I mean, that’s got to be more than a coincidence hasn’t it? It was three days in that I noticed I was feeling better, having run out of my favourite foods – cucumber, celery, cheddar cheese and switched to foods beginning with other letters.”

After switching to non-C-word foods Mr. Codgemore’s fever began to subside and he was soon back on his feet. So much so he ignored social distancing measures and began queueing up at the local Post Office to tell people about his miraculous turnaround.

Watchfield was once the most visited dogging site for hippies.

“They couldn’t believe it. Once they got over the anger of being in close proximity to an infected person they soon started to take interest in my story. Before I knew it there was a large bonfire in the middle of the street for people to set alight to their Crisps, their Coriander and their Chips”

The obsession didn’t end there it seems. Soon residents took to destroying all items beginning with ‘C’, much to the chagrin of Key Worker Elliott Norman who frequently commutes through Watchfield to attend his Nursing job in Swindon.

“It was about half 7 in the morning and as I was driving through the main drag in Watchfield a group of locals blocked the road and demanded that I got out of my car. I was petrified, mainly at the fact that they were all naked as apparently clothes were banned. They pulled me from my car and set fire to it in front of me. I thought that I was going to die were it not for the fact that they got into a heated exchange with an American tourist regarding his ‘Cellphone’. I hope he was okay, those people were savage”

As peculiar as this all might sound, scientists are working hard to see if the theory behind Watchfield’s draconian measures live up to the promises made. Since Mr. Codgemore’s bout with the virus, there have been no new cases in the village.

Is the nation missing a trick, or is this simply the murmurings of a bunch of inbred loonies. One thing is for sure, this reporter is going to avoid the village at all costs.

Posted by Gideon Shankly-Norman

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